Home Is Where The Heart Is
My life has been pretty “me-centered” for the past few years. It’s been about MY career, MY social life, MY love life, MY etc. etc. However, I recently returned home to a sick family member causing all of that “me-centeredness” to come to an abrupt halt.
My grandmother has been diagnosed with cancer. It’s no secret that my grandmother is my heart strings. I love her beyond measure and always said there will be an unfillable void in my heart and life the day she leaves this earth. So upon hearing the news I thought, “cancer, psssshhh, we can beat this.” Cancer, unfortunately, has become as common as the common cold. I don’t know anyone not directly effected by the disease either personally or through a family member or friend. So with that thought in mind, I was confident she could be treated and cured in no time. Yet, I failed to take into consideration the emotional, mental and physical effects on her and my family.
My grandmother is in constant pain. The vibrant, feisty, fighter of a woman I’ve known all my life has become weak and listless. Her appetite has deteriorated and she hardly gets out of bed. I sit by her bedside talking to her like old times, but her apparent discomfort causes my stories to trail off to silent stares wishing there was something I could do to extinguish her pain. Sometimes I look away as she lays there verbally and physically writhing in pain because to see her in pain causes me pain. Often, I sit by her side trying to offer comfort, an arm around her shoulder, a massage of her back, not really knowing what to do. Most times she catches me off guard as she throws herself against my little frame, head rested on my chest, arm slung across my shoulder, body languid; I sit there holding her, rocking her, emotionally numb by the exchange.
She hasn’t started treatment yet and I’m concerned about how she’ll react to the assault of chemotherapy and radiation on her 73 year old body. The good news is the cancer was detected very early and the doctors are optimistic she’ll be cured of the cancer after treatment. I’ve advised her about the treatment process and why she needs to keep her mind and body as strong as possible going into treatment. Sometimes I think it falls on deaf ears. The effects on my family are also apparent as they don’t really know how to deal with my grandmother’s illness and her reaction to it. The whole thing has left me feeling vulnerable. I fix things. That’s what I do. But I can’t fix this. Naively, I thought my mere presence would do much to ease her pain, as I am unofficially dubbed the favorite grandchild. And while she thanks God often for my return home, my presence unfortunately is not enough.
So, I’ll continue to pray for her, love her and be there for her. She has a doctor’s appointment in a couple of days to discuss treatment. I’m sure things will get worst before they get better, but that’s ok. That’s why God gave us family, to be there for one another in the good times and bad. And with all the stress that my family and I have been under, I’d rather be nowhere else but here. I guess the old adage is true, home IS where the heart is.
Love you grandma 
Speak soon,
~ J
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